Update

Work is...well it's work. I've come to terms with letting soBendt.com go and now I'm ready to move on. There is a job I really want that's in New York. I'm putting together a DVD that will pair with my resume. There are a few other jobs I will be pursuing as well. I'm ready to move on; the time is right. I'm no longer being challenged at my job. I don't feel as though I'm learning anything new. While I'm getting a great education in business politcs I believe I can get that anywhere. I won't lie though; it does pain me greatly to think that one day I will walk away from soBendt. I've put everything into this and now I can't help but feel empty. The team work isn't there. I work with people who lack passion and drive to make this site all it can be.

I have to face the fact that my next job will probably not be in South Bend and therefore I will have to move away from my girlfriends. In the past four years I've realized the power of having a circle of girlfriends. They have seen me at my weakest, my greatest, and have loved me to regardless. Will I have that somewhere else? I worked for many years to obtain this network and this will definitely be the hardest part to move away from. They are there when I need to grab lunch or a beer to vent. They are there when I'm happy and let me brag about my successes. My girlfriends are beautiful on so many levels and I can only be so lucky to rebuild theat network somewhere else.

My mother is happy for the first time in her life and for that I'm thrilled. She's finally bought a home all on her own and I'm so proud of her. I spent four days with her and I was worried about the outcome of that visit. Would she pick at my hair? My body? My carrer? I was fortunate enought to have her do none of the above. Instead she was incredibly grateful that I was there to spend those first moments in her home with her. I pray that those moments last, but unfortunately because of our history I can't get my hopes up to high.

I am deeply concerned about my brother. Why can't I reach him? We used to sit and talk for hours on end about everything. We talked about the hell we went through and how far we've come. We dreamed together of the life we would one day have. I fell all of that is gone. Will he come back? Can I reach him? Can anyone? I'm so worried.

I've met a wonderful man who adores me and lets me know it everyday. I spent three years of being single and dating men who either did not appreciate me or could not handle the success I've had in the past year. And now Dan has walked into my life. Dan is compassionate, tender, and loving. He knows pain and his eyes convey this...probably the way my eyes do. He is able to understand what I've been through and therefore appreciates why I am as determined as I am in my career. When I am in his arms I feel happy, content with myself, and safe. He works the night shift during the week and spends the weekends at my place. I find that by Thursday night I'm longing to feel his arms around me. He takes care of me and he lets me take care for him. I truly enjoy taking care of him. While I've struggled a bit to accept this, I've realized that he embodies all that I've ever wanted. I made a list of my perfect man. After our third date I read the list and realized he had everything on the list. I'm completely falling in love with him and for the first time in my life I feel safe doing that. Even though I try to make issues it doesn't work. Dan is honest and big on communicationg. He won't let me push him away because he knows I'm only doing it because I'm scared. For that I'm grateful. I've worked so hard to become comfortable with myself; to love myself; to accept that I don't 'need' someone, I only want to share my life with someone. While it may be too soon to admit this, I really want Dan to be the one I share my life with.

I am grateful for my Faith. If it wasn't for that I would not be able to be as strong and determined as I am. Nor would I be able to accept what Dan brings into my life. I am a very lucky woman on many levels. Thank you Lord.